Self defense: 10 correct attitudes during a quarrel

How to manage one or more persons in the grip of anger

The only warrior able to subdue the opponent without even having to touch him is the one who uses the intelligence.

Continuing the speech of the first level personal defense (the most “bland”, read Self Defense: 10 Things to avoid in a quarrel), let’s review some tips about the right attitude to keep in order to do not allow a common quarrel to transform in a physical confrontation.

Before proceeding, to better understand the scenario we are going to analyze, here are some examples of the situations we are going to analyze (read Self defense: how to behave):

  • A labor dispute (for example, for workload issues)
  • A quarrel between acquaintances (for example, for economic reasons)
  • A quarrel between strangers (for example, for a car accident, read Self-defense: aggression in front of a supermarket)
  • A dispute in the disco (for example for the partner)
  • A family quarrel (for example, for the subdivision of household tasks)

We are talking about situations that are basically trivial in which external factors (such as the perpetuation of the same problems, the temperature too high, etc.) can lead people to act even in an extreme way.

What to do

Any critical situation, even the less (apparently) dangerous should be managed in the same way. In this kind of contexts it is fundamental to do not lose our self-control, so let’s see what is right to remember in a self-defense situation:

  • First, we must forget our pride – We have nothing to demonstrate to those who are in front of us, nor to those who are with us (known or unknown they are); we must prove to ourselves that we are good and strong enough to control our instincts (fear, anger, read /// Subscribe (it's free!) or Login to see this content ///)
  • The calm as wrath is contagious – We have to maintain a quiet, transparent but determined attitude; let’s close a little our eyes, let’s straighten our back (without widening too much our shoulders) and let’s use a slow gesture (descriptive, gentle but without invading the life-space of our interlocutors); at the same time, we can use our hands to hire one of the undeclared defensive mobile guards of 6 Dragons Kung Fu (anonymously protecting eyes, mouth and nose, read A self-defense trick: the secret guard stances)
  • We have to use clear syntactic constructs and simple words – We must adopt a tone of voice peaceful, slow and at the same time assertive (with ample pauses); we have to modulate the height of the voice with slight volume changes to focus on what is most important (without being threatening)
  • Time is our friend, anger fastly decrease – We must completely slow down our pace (speed of speech, movement, etc.); in this way we will gain time and give opportunity to our “opponent” to lose decision (in terms of combat) and to reflect on what he is doing (as long as fury is the only thing to move his actions)
  • We must not show any sensation / emotion – No fear (eg. hesitations), no compassion (eg. paternalistic attitudes), no resentment (eg. verbal aggression), no fun (eg. desire to fight, mockery, etc.); nothing, we must be impenetrable and aseptic as the diamond (read Become the absolute zero)
  • Reflect the opponent valors – Last but not list, let’s try (if possible) to appear as an integral part of the context to which our aggressor belongs, let’s identify with him and with his point of view; we do not have to try to impose ourselves or our way of seeing things but rather choose to show “closeness” (if not even “membership”); this stratagem must be taken with due precautions and should be followed only if we are really able to recite in a credible way, otherwise the effect can be opposite (eg. unleashing the anger of the interlocutor caused by the clumsy attempt to deceive him)

The speech

The speech is an incredibly powerful weapon:

  • Who speaks does not fight – Until the end of the danger we never have to cease to oppose dialogue to aggressions; let’s ask for motivations / explanations, let’s compose simple questions to which he will be (unconsciously) forced to answer
  • Understanding instead of opposing – We must demonstrate not to accept but to understand what drives our “adversary” to behave in his way; we need to connect his motivations to ours but without pretending to determine who is right and who is wrong
  • We can gently invite our interlocutor to lower the tones – Asking for example why he feels the need to shout, to be so agitated (etc.); we must force him to describe his point of view keeping actively working his brain

A note by Master Kongling – I know. All these details in a stress situation are difficult to handle and put into practice but let’s focus on the fact that, in the worst case, we will not have a second chance to do the right steps. The time for preparation is now, the one for discipline is every day, the one for concentration will be the self-defense moment.

In the next article, we will see some examples of advanced psychological techniques.

In-depth articles


Reply in the comments and share your experience:

  • Have you ever managed to lower the tones during a quarrel? How?

Author: Master Kongling

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